Rocky Horror: Forever
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SPOOF – The Outpost Horror Picture Show (Or, Rocky Horror Forever)

OOG: Sit back and enjoy, a _Science Fiction Double Feature_, with a perhaps, familiar cast of characters….

|ON|

«Forever World, Guardian Complex Ruins»

*Captain Carlin sags against the wall, exhausted. There are bodies of half a dozen different species scattered throughout the ruins of the once-secure complex designed to protect the Guardian of Forever. Divash is surveying the rubble, wondering where to even begin to start to look for survivors. Ash struggles back to her feet.*

Carlin: MacNamara's loose in the time stream. What a horror show.

*There is a flash of blue light and the sound of wind chimes. Both Officers turn back towards the Guardian, wondering what new disaster was about to befall them. And it was worse than they imagined. There, reclined upon the top of the Guardian was Q.*

Q: My dear Captain. This is just a normal consequence of playing games with time. Perhaps once your species matures a little more you'll understand these things.

Carlin: Damnit Q, how much of this is _your_ doing?

Q: Mine? *innocently* All I've done is _watch_ you charming little animals run in circles trying over and over again to get it right. And frankly, I'm bored with the entire show. *He waves his arm towards the carnage and the shattered sky* All this drama…all of you leaking your disgusting fluids all over everything. A horror show you called it? Well now…Perhaps it's _time_ for exactly that, mon capitaine! *He snaps his fingers*

*The scene instantly changes. The entire crew – living and dead – of Outpost 112 and K-7 are sitting in cloth beach-recliners, looking up at a perfectly black nothing. Most of them are in tuxedos, although a few are in fantastic costumes that seem to make no sense. Then, out of the nothing, a giant pair of shocking red lips with glaringly white teeth fades into view and begin singing*

Lips: *singing* Michael Rennie was ill/ The Day the Earth Stood Still / But he told us where we stand / and Flash Gordon was there / in silver underwear

Carlin: Lips?! _Why_ are we looking at giant lips?

Kali: Forget the lips. *gestures around* Why are we dressed like this?

Divash: Yes. And why am I the only one in the Outfit That Taste Forgot?

Arnason: You? *looks around for something to cover his outfit – or lack thereof. He's dressed only in gold speedos and high-top muscle-man shoes.*

Lips: Claude Rains was The Invisible Man / Then something went wrong / for Fay Wray and King Kong/ They got caught in a celluloid jam / Then at a deadly pace/ It Came From Outer Space

Divash: *looks him up and down* I don't know, *smiles* It's not a bad look on you…

*Gable snorts and Gunnar covers his face, cheeks going red.*

Ferrari: *grateful he's in a cool retro biker's outfit* It's not so bad. We could all be dressed like Burnie.

*Strangely, despite his outfit, Burnie seems the least uncomfortable. In fact, he twists a little, examining the fishnet stockings and heels before looking around at them with an incredulous smile. He can't believe he's the only one who recognizes the outfits and where they come from.*

Lips: Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) double feature/ Doctor X (ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature/ See Androids fighting (ooh ooh ooh)/ Brad and Janet/ Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet/ Wo oh oh oh oh/ A late night double feature picture show/

Burnstein: Actually, if this means what I think it does, eventually, you all will be.

Divash: Thank Goddess! *glances around the horrified stares on the rest of them* What? That's a _much_ better outfit. I'd trade with Burnie right now if I thought this dress would fit him.

Burnstein: *Rubbing at the back of his neck* That, um, might be better casting actually…

T'Ango: Where _is_ this place? We were on the Marrat and…

Carlin: *frowns at Burnie* Lieutenant, what _exactly_ do you mean by casting?

Burnstein: Well, sir, there's this cult film from back in the 20th century…

Lips: I knew Leo G. Carroll/ Was over a barrel/ When Tarantula took to the hills/ And I really got hot
When I saw Janette Scott/ Fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills/ Dana Andrews said prunes/ Gave him the runes/ And passing them used lots of skills/ But When Worlds Collide/ Said George Pal to his bride/ I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills/Like a…

Lips: Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) double feature/ Doctor X (ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature/ See androids fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet/ Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet/ Wo oh oh oh oh oh/ At the late night, double feature, picture show/ I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh/ To the late night, double feature, picture show/ By R.K.O. - Wo oh oh oh/ To the late night, double feature, picture show/ In the back row - Oh oh oh oh/To the late night, double feature, picture show

*After Burnie's brief explanation of the Rocky Horror Picture Show*

Burnstein: I'm dressed as Dr. Frank N Furter, Major Hirsch, you're Brad – the Hero.

Hirsch: *Takes his glasses off* Dammit, I look more like a book worm than a hero.

Burnstein: …Dr. Divash, you're Janet, his fiance…

Divash: _I'M_ the inexperienced virgin?! *glaring* You've GOT to be kidding!

Burnstein: …Gunnar, you're Rocky, the Monster. Durst, you're evidently Riff Raff, with the hump there,

Durst: What hump?

Burnstein: and Commander Kali, you seem to be Magenta, his sister. Tango, you are Columbia, the groupie. Lieutenant Commander Ferrari, judging by the leather and the bloody cut across your forehead, you're Eddie. Rocky's got half your brain…

Ferrari: *rolls eyes*

Burnstein: Captain, since you're in a wheelchair, you're clearly Dr. Scott, the Scientist. I'm not sure who the Criminologist is yet.

Carlin: *shouting* Q! We're not playing some stupid game for your entertainment! Get us out of here!!

*There is another flash of light and Q, dressed incongruously in blue-jeans and a t-shirt and holding a bag of movie popcorn appears next to him, replacing Lt T'Ango in her beach chair.*

Q: Mon capitaine! This isn't for my entertainment! *munching another handful of popcorn* Well, not entirely at least. There's a point to be made here. Why, even Jean-Luc Picard got something out of my attempts to teach _him_, and aren't you more of a man than he?

Carlin: Forget it Q. Send us back. Now.

Q: But you didn't _like_ it there. You called it a horror show!

Carlin: This isn't funny. We're not playing.

Q: *Seriously* Yes, you are. You will all find yourselves compelled to play your various parts, Captain. You have free will here, to a degree, and the consequences are real, but you _will_ work your way through this…lesson plan.

Carlin: Don't be ridiculous…

Q: *Fading away like the Cheshire Cat, as T'Ango fades in.* Be thankful Captain…I could have sent you to Sherwood Forest, you know…

*Suddenly there is another flash and the nothingness is replaced with a stage. In front of everyone is Dr. Darid Kai, dressed in a suit and tie, with a cigarette holder in his hand, seated at a desk in a study.*

*Darid looks around, examines the cigarette holder briefly, then carefully sets it aside as though placing some odd artifact back in its property case. He looks down at an old fashioned paper book, open on the desk in front of him.*

Kai: *running finger down the page* We seem to have skipped some foreshadowing, but I don't suppose the Major would sing a proposal…or Divash accept…

Divash: *huffs* I should think not.

Hirsch: _I'm_ already married.

Kai: It's only a role in a play - a musical parody, from what I can see. Mrs. Warren strikes me as someone who understands theater. *looks out at the audience* I'm sure she'll understand.

Warren: *mutters* As long as they avoid Method Acting…

Kai: Yes, well, *clears throat slightly, returns to scanning the page* I believe I'm supposed to start here: "It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and his fiancee Janet Weiss (two young ordinary healthy kids) left Denton that late November evening to visit Dr Everett Scott, ex. tutor and now friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out." *closes the book marking the place* "It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time."

*Lightning cracks and Hirsch and Divash are suddenly in an antique car driving through dark countryside in a torrential downpour. A motorcycle zips past them.*

Divash: I hope that wasn't Ferrari.

Hirsch: I don't think he'd be stupid enough to drive like that in these conditions. *applies brakes as the car's headlights hit a 'Dead End' sign* I guess we must have missed a turn. *takes a moment to figure out the antiquated gear shift, puts the car in reverse*

*BLAM!*

Divash: *ducks* Was that a shot?

Hirsch: I don't think so. Judging by how the car's responding, I'd say a tire blew. If I recall, back in this era, they were just inflated rubber tubes.

Divash: *frowns* I don't suppose the cars had comm systems either.

Hirsch: No. It was all land lines. This far out, we'll have to find someplace with one to call for a tow.

Divash: *looks out the window at the rain* You know, if you were anyone else, I'd suggest enjoying that big back seat until the rain let up.

Hirsch: *chuckles* I appreciate your restraint. *beat* Waiting for the storm to blow over seems like a good idea though.

*A bolt of lightning strikes a nearby tree, dropping it across a stream which diverts it toward the car. Within moments water starts coming in through the bottom of the door.*

*Hirsch and Divash exchange a look, sharing the same thought: Q wants them to get out of the car. Knowing things will only get worse if they don't, they slip out, wading a few steps to drier ground.*

Divash: *opening a newspaper to hold over her head* The only good thing about this stupid dress was that it was dry…

Hirsch: *guiding her* There's a house of some sort back this way.

*Lightning strikes. A rock formation in the shape of a castle is silhouetted against the sky. It has a flag flying from the turret and a glow of light appears in a window, illuminating a path to the castle.

Divash: *dry* Oh good. There's a light at the spooky castle.

Phantom voices: *singing* There's a light // Over at the Frankstein place. // There's a light // Burning in the fireplace. // There's a light, a light //In the darkness of everybody's life.

*The voices continue the same song as the two trudge through the rain. They seem to be getting no closer. Finally, fed up with the phantom chorus, Divash starts singing along in a mocking tone.*

Divash: *sarcastic soprano* There's a li-i—ight burning in the darkness of everybody's life!

*The lights are suddenly much closer and a flash of lighting illuminates the sign which reads: FRANK N. FURTER - SCIENTIST. They hurry up the path to the door.*

Hirsch: Great. We get to _sing_ to move this foolishness along.

*He reaches out and activates the door chime. With a loud squeal, Durst opens the castle door.* He's wearing a filthy, tattered butler's outfit and his fur looks stringy*

Durst: Hello.

Hirsch: The car Q stuffed us in broke down. Can we get access to a comm system?

Durst: You're wet.

Divash: *rolling her eyes* Um, yes. Rain tends to make people wet. Very good, Petty Officer.

Durst: Sorry. I'm having a hard time getting used to being teleported all over. You two should come inside, ma'am, sir.

*The two officers step in out of the rain and Durst shows them into the entry way, shutting the door behind them.*

Divash: Well, the décor matches the dress – tasteless and creepy.

Hirsh: It looks like a hunting lodge for rich weirdos on Septus Three.

Durst: I think there's some sort of party going on. Here, I'll show you.

Kali: *She is perched on the bannister to the stairs and is dressed in a French maid's outfit and looks distinctly unhappy about it.* About time! Q said unless we do this next number we'll be stuck in these outfits for all eternity! *She slips and slides down the bannister, dropping the feather duster she was holding.* Whoops!

Durst: *Catches the falling duster just as the clock chimes, ominously. He walks over to the clock – which is mounted in a coffin - and music begins to play. He feels himself compelled to begin singing.* It's astounding! Time is fleeting! *he turns his head to look at the three officers behind him and shakes his head to try to indicate that this isn't his idea* Madness…takes it's toll! But listen closely…*His ears are flat back on his head*

Kali: *sliding up behind Divash* Not for very much longer…

Durst: I've got to….keep control! *he nods rapidly – he's _trying_ to keep control, but Q is pulling the strings* I remember!! Doing the Time Warp!

*The song continues as he dances about the room, feeling like a marionette. The manic energy of his dance leads him back to Kali who joins in the song. Durst bends down nearly double and the two of them rub their elbows and palms together, ending with their hands over their heads. Hirsch and Divash try to dodge out of the way and the pair of dancers chase after them, through a pair of doors.*

*They freeze, looking out at dozens of Starfleet, Sindareen, and Cardassian's, beneath a banner that proclaims 'Annual Transylvanian Convention'. All are dressed in Tuxedos and party hats, and they suddenly sing out in chorus*

Everyone: *singing and dancing* Let's do the Time Warp again!!

Kai: *stands up at his desk, pulls down a chart and indicates the dance steps.* Apparently, it's just a jump to the left…

Everyone: And then a step the riiiiighhtt!

Kai: *demonstrating* Put your hands on your hips…

Everyone: And put your knees in tiiiggghht! It's the pelvic thruuusst that really drives you insaaanneee!

Hirsch: What the _hell_?

Divash: *Dancing along* Hey, it's a fun dance…I just don't understand why they're wearing so many clothes.

Hirsch: I really don't think you should be encouraging them, Doctor.

Kali: It's so dreamy! Oh fantasy free me! So you can't see me…~~ I _wish_ no one could see me! ~~ No not at all. In another dimension with voyeuristic intention….

*Things continue along this line until Durst and Kali dance their way over to a juke-box with Lt T'Ango perched upon it in a glittery, gold-sequined cabaret outfit and top hat. She begins singing as well*

T'Ango: *Singing* Well I was walking down the street, just having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise, he had a pick-up truck and the _devil's_ eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, Time meant nothing, never would again!

Hirsch: This is _insane_!

Divash: Kinda catchy though…*still dancing as the song continues. Kali and Durst are continually rubbing elbows and palms*

T'Ango: *with a squeal launches herself off the juke-box and begins a tap-dancing routine past the line of party-goers. Like Dr. Divash, she's decided to just go with the flow and enjoy it. Tap wasn't her style, but she was having a good time – right up until she stumbles on the stairs.*

Hirsch: *trying to get Dr. Divash's attention* Come along Doctor…this isn't the right place to be. *He's backing towards the doors when everyone suddenly collapses on the floor. They pause.* Well, Doctor? What now?

Divash: Hey, anyone here know how to do a _real_ dance?

Hirsch: *groaning* That was _not_ what I had in mind, Doctor. Let's get out of here and see if we can find our way back to someplace a bit more…normal.

*He grabs Divash and starts backing away as the guests get up and follow, not looking friendly.*

Divash: *eyeing the Cardassians in the group* I don't like the look of this.

Hirsch: Just stay calm, Doctor. *backing up stairs slowly* Maybe they're just going to do another…*clears throat slightly* folk dance.

*They hear a noise behind them and turn to see a lift descending. Divash looks though the cage door at sparkly high heels. The figure inside is Burnie. The outfit they've already seen is covered in a long cloak, but now he's also made up in white face, dramatic eye make-up and bright red lipstick. He gives Divash a big grin and then turns an amused gaze at Major Hirsch.*

Hirsch: *eyes go wide. Jaw opens, closes* Lieutenant?

Burnstein: *totally in character - he's done Rocky Horror movie nights before, with crowd participation, and figures if you're going to do Frank, you should go for it* How do you do? *smiles* I see you've met my faithful *beat* handyman. He's a little brought down because when you knocked. He thought you were the *beat* candyman.

Burnstein: *strides past, managing the heels surprisingly well.* Don't get strung out by the way I look.

Divash: I Like it.

Hirsch: *under his breath* Doctor…

Burnstein: *waggles eyebrows, heads toward the throne across the room* Don't judge a book by it's cover. // I'm not much of a man // By the light of day. // But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

*Divash applauds and Burnie flashes a grin. He flings the cloak over the throne, revealing the transvestite outfit. All the guests scream with delight!*

Divash: *wolf whistles* Nice legs!

*Hirsch looks at the ceiling*

Burnstein: *hamming it up* I'm just a Sweet Transvestite // From Transsexual Transylvania. *heading back toward Divash and Hirsch* Let me show you around *beat* maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both *glances at Hirsch, rolls eyes* pretty groovy.

Hirsch: Look, we just need to use the comm and then we'll go back to the car.

Divash: *runs hand up Burnie's chest* Speak for yourself.

Hirsch: *pulls her back - the last thing he needs for her to start an orgy with this crowd* We don't want to cause any trouble.

Burnstein: *smug smile* You got caught with a flat. Well how about that. *beat* Well babies don't you panic. By the light of the night *holds note* It'll all be alright. *beat* I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

*He turns and streamers fall as he struts back to the throne singing 'Sweet Transvestite', with everyone following and drapes himself sideways across the throne. Durst kneels on one side, Kali gets behind the throne to hide the stupid maid outfit, and T'Ango kneels on the other side, chin poised over Burnie's ankle and flashes fangs as though she's considering taking a bite.*

*Divash starts up after them, but Hirsch pulls her back.*

Burnstein: *inviting gesture* Why don't you stay for the night.

Durst and Kali: Night.

Burnstein: *wide amile* Or maybe a bite.

*Durst and Tango click teeth as Kali says 'Bite'*

Burnstein: I could show you my favorite obsession. *beat* I've been making a man. With blonde hair and a tan.

Divash: *eyebrows lift* A tan?

Burnstein: *smiles at her* And he's good for relieving my *long, long beat* tension.

Divash: *fans self* Burnie, I didn't know you had it in you.

*Burnie jumps up, camping to 'Sweet Transvestite', and storms back to the lift as the guests join in.*

Burnstein: *turns dramatically, striking a pose in the lift.* So come up to the lab. *beat* And see what's on the slab. *beat* I see you shiver with antici *beat* pation. *singing* But maybe the rain // Is really to blame. *smirks* So I'll relieve the cause. *closes the lift* but not the symptom!

*The guests applaud as the lift ascends and Durst and Kali go to remove Divash and Hirsch's wet clothes. Durst initially heads for Divash, receives death glare from Kali, and opts to play valet for Hirsch.*

Kali: *stripping Divash, trying not to look despite awareness of her roommate's complete lack of modesty* Sorry…

Divash: Don't be. About time I got to lose that hideous dress. *pulls off the top, looks at the bra* Ugh. The underclothes are even uglier! No wonder this Janet character's a virgin.

Hirsch: *looking down at his tighty-whiteys* I don't think I've worn these since I was in Basic Training.

T'Ango: Well, Major, looks like we get to have more fun upstairs in the lab…

Hirsch: Fun? That's not what I'd call it. *puffs a breath while Durst pulls his T-Shirt over his head* Lost the hat huh?

T'Ango: *She takes the pairs' clothes and tosses them.* Q's omnipotent, sir, might as well enjoy the ride!

*Durst and Kali hustle everyone into the lift. Durst takes a big swig of a bottle of something that appeared in his hand and they ride up to Burnie's lab. The Lieutenant is now standing there in a more formal gown with a pink triangle adorning his left chest. The gallery is lined with all the 'party goers' who had been singing below.*

Burnie: Magenta. Columbia, go and assist Riff Raff…*T'ango gives Kali a playful grin and a shrug and heads off to follow Durst, Kali finally doing the same. Burnie approaches Hirsch and Divash.* I will entertain….Um…er….*he extends his hand to the Major.

Hirsch: *ignoring the hand* You have _got_ to be kidding me, Lieutenant.

Burnie: *instead, reaches down and takes Divash's hand, kissing it* Enchante'.

Divash: We are _so_ having a long, uninterrupted chat when we get back, Burnie…

Burnie: What charming underclothes you both have. But here, put these on. You'll feel less…vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them … hospitality.

Hirsch: *putting on the lab coat and striding up behind Burnie, who is drinking champagne.* Hospitality? Lieutenant, have you gone completely bat-sh@! Crazy? All we asked for was a comm link and you've chosen to ignore that very reasonable request!

Burnie: How forceful you are…sir. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So…*he glances down* Dominant. *whispering* Play along sir, Q's not going to let us out of this until we've done what he wants…*turning to Divash. “You must be awfully proud of him, Janet. *he winks at her.*

Divash: *Eyebrows going up* Oh yes.

*Burnie turns and heads to the large microphone flanked by Kali and T'Ango. He begins to explain that he has managed to create life, to the surprised applause of the unconventional conventioneers in the galleries. Divash also applauds – if anyone was going to manage it, it would have to be Burnie. Hirsch glares at her.*

Hirsch: Really Doctor…please don't encourage him.

*Kali and T'ango remove a red silk sheet from a tank containing humanoid figure wrapped entirely in bandages. Burnie begins giving orders to Durst, who adjusts a number of very phallic levers and other controls, causing sparks, steam, and flashing lights to fill the lab. The Kainan then begins spinning a large wheel, dropping a mechanism over the tank. Burnie then tweaks a number of valves, dropping chemicals into the vat and filling it with rainbow colors*

*The thing in the tank struggles to stand to the applause of the gallery. When Durst climbs the ladder at the edge of the vat and pulls the wrappings off its head, we see Gunnar Arnason's shocked expression.*

Burnie: *On the end of the tank opposite Durst, whispers – sing, It's the only way through * Oh, Rocky!

Gunnar: *with a shrug* Oookkkaaay.,… *The mechanism drops lower and he instinctively grabs it only to find that it is now lifting him above the tank as he sings.* The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head! And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread! *he glances down to see Durst, cackling maniacally and spinning the wheel controlling the mechanism he's hanging from, only to have Burnie use his foot to shove the much larger Kainan to the ground* Oh! Woe is me! My life is a misery! Can't you see? That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer!

*Durst recovers his footing and begins lowering the singing Icelander while Burnie heads back up to the top of the tank*

Gunnar: ~~What the _hell_ do these lyrics even _mean_?!~~ *He continues to sing as he's lowered and T'ango and Kali begin to cut off his bandages, exposing more and more spray-tanned and naked skin. He's wearing nothing but skin-tight gold Speedos and high-top muscle-man boots. * I'm dressed up with no place to go!

Divash: *applauding the strip show* Take it off!

*Gunnar gives her a 'Not here' look and then Burnie begins to chase Gunnar; who is highly motivated to keep away from the squealing and laughing Engineer – He's beginning to have serious doubts about Burnie's sanity. Meanwhile, everyone else is singing the chorus. Finally he retreats back to the tank only to have Burnie catch up to him.*

Burnie: Really. That's no way to behave if we want to get out of here, 'Rocky'!

*Gunnar frowns - he's in a ridiculous outfit, painted an unnatural tan and being chased by an engineer who's sanity was questionable even before this - how's he supposed to act?*

Burnstein: But as you're such an exceptional beauty, *winks* I'm prepared to forgive. *crosses behind Gunnar to stand next to Durst* I just love success!

Durst: He is a credit to your genius, Master.

Burnstein: *smiling proudly* Yes.

Kali: *droll* A triumph of your will.

Burnstein: Yes.

T'Ango: *teasing grin, winks at Gunnar and shrugs* He's okay.

Burnstein: *lifts eyebrows* Okay? *moves around to Divash and Hirsch* I think we can do better than that. *grins at Divash, who is looking back and forth between both men with a very Orion glint in her eye* What do you think?

Divash: *looks Gunnar up and down, runs a hand down his chest* Nice presentation… *licks her lips in a way that makes his cheeks redden, glances at Burnie* I don't suppose you can fix that unfortunate tendency to blush at a compliment?

Burnstein: I didn't make him for _you_. *pulls Gunnar back* And he carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.

*Drags Gunnar over to some gift-wrapped workout equipment that he unveils with a flourish and begins to sing again* A weakling, weighing ninety-eight pounds, will get sand in his face, when kicked to the ground.

Arnason: *Whispering* Burnie, when exactly was your last psych exam…

Burnstein: *shhh!* And soon in the gym, with a determined chin…the sweat from his pores as he works for his cauuuse….We'll make him glisten and gleam and with massage and just a little bit of steeeaaaaammmm…..*he traces a finger down Gunnar's chest…*Gunnar backs away as Burnie kicks it up a notch, prancing about the room and singing more about his proposed workout plan for Arnason*

T'Ango: *comes up next to Gunnar and starts rubbing petroleum jelly onto his shoulders and chest, whispering* Sorry about the fur…Q's narrating in my head what to do. I think he's drunk or something…

Burnstein: *performing a seriously depraved dance routine on a pommel horse while he sings. He finally jumps down and gathers up Arnason with his arms across his shoulders, working him over to a large, red, secure door.* When in just seven days, oh baby! I can make you a maaaaan!!!

*Suddenly an alarm light sounds and the door begins to drop on the two men who scramble out of the way.*

*The large refrigeration unit door slowly opens, falling like a drawbridge. Inside is a wall of ice and many CocaCola bottles. Through these bursts an icy Ferrari riding a WWII Harley Davidson motor bike, with a saxophone slung over across his back. He's wearing shades and a storm trooper style helmet.*

T'Ango: *bounces, claps excited* Eddie!

Ferrari: *parks bike, throws off shades and helmet* Whoo, that's cold!

Divash: *looks Ferrari* Who's Eddie?

Durst: *tips head indicating Ferrari* The delivery boy.

Kali: *smirks* Looks like his delivery wasn't good enough.

*Ferrari gets off the bike and shakes a little to get feeling back in his limbs - a freezer is no place for a Vulcan hybrid. As he takes in the bizarre lab and it's costumed denizens, a Rock 'n Roll beat starts playing in the background. Words start pressing into his mind something tries to get his body to move. Ferrari grits his teeth and plants his feet, using all his will power and special training on countering telepathic control, but after a few moments he's almost shaking with the effort.*

T'Ango: ~~He's going to have a stroke!~~ *leaps at Ferrari, wrapping arms and legs around him so he can't toss her off, whispers* Q won't let this end until we sing. Just play along.

Ferrari: *considers the options* ~~What the hell.~~ He swings T'Ango around and sets her on the bike, then strikes a pose.*

*T'Ango realizes he's going to do it and claps happily. The music restarts and Ferrari does an Elvis swivel.*

Ferrari: *singing* Whatever happened to Saturday night // When you dressed up sharp *looks at Arnason, who glances upward with a 'Give me strength' look* And you felt alright //It don't seem the same since cosmic light //Came into my life and I thought I was di-vi-ine.*struts away* I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go // And listen to the music on the radio-o…

*The guests all start to cheer and rock-n-roll as he contiues to sing. Even Durst and Kali start to step it out, a comical sight with the petite Romulan and towering Kainan.*

Ferrari: *singing/reciting the lyrics popping into his head* ~~What the heck is a 'Hot Patootie? ~~ *starts dancing with T'Ango as the next verse comes up* My head used to swim //From the perfume I smelled. // My hands kind of fumbled // With her white plastic belt. // I'd taste her baby pink lipstick, //And that's when I'd melt. //And she'd whisper in my ear // Tonight she really was mi-ine. *spins T'Ango away walks over to Divash* Get back in front and put //Some hair oil on. //Buddy Holly was singing // His very last song. //With your arms around your girl //You tried to - ah - sing along // It felt pretty good, too. *smiles at her* Really had a good ti-i-ime.

*Feeling another chorus of 'Hot Patootie' coming on, he jumps on the bike and revs it, then takes off and roars round the laboratory, making guests dive out of the way. Ferrari stops, realizing that he suddenly knows how to play the sax! He hops off and starts to play.*

*Everyone starts dancing. Divash tries to get Hirsch to dance, gives up and grabs Gunnar who is more than happy to oblige.*

*Burnie meanwhile slips into the icebox, he tugs on Durst's sleeve and whispers something to him and Kali. They exchange looks but slowly nod. After all, Burnie seems to be the only one who knows what's going supposed to be going on here.*

*On the last chorus, Burnie suddenly runs at Ferrari. Surprised, but with no reason to fear Burnie of all people no matter how strangely he's dressed, he doesn't react at first. Kali says something no one else can hear over the music and then Burnie swings an ice pick striking Ferrari in the chest! He falls backward into the freezer.*

*Divash screams and she and Gunnar both instantly go from Janet and Rocky to Starfleet medics and rush to help him. Divash skids to a stop at the sight of red fluid that's too bright to be human blood and definitely the wrong color to be Ferrari's. She looks a question a Burnie.*

Bursntein: *sucks drop of ketchup off his finger and winks* One from the vaults. *snapping back into character, dramatic gesture as Durst and Kali drag Ferrari away* And so perish all those who reject my love!

*Arnason exchanges a glance with Divash. There's a fine line between genius and insanity and Burnie seems to be dancing across it. In heels.*

Buurnstein: *grins at Gunnar* Not to worry. You're much too beautiful to be destroyed. *dismissive wave toward Ferrari* He had a certain naive charm - but no muscle.

Arnason: No muscle? He's a SEAL.

*Burnie ignores the remark and starts singing 'I'll Make You a Man' again while Durst and Kali remove his lab coat revealing the transvestite outfit. He strikes a pose, kick-steps toward Gunnar and grabs his arm, pulling him toward a curtained stage as the music changes to something like a wedding march. Gunnar looks back over his shoulder at Divash, who smiles and starts after them.*

Divash: *singing to herself* I'm a muscle fan…

Hirsch: Doctor!

Divash: What? Burnie said Janet sleeps with both them. *gestures toward where they've disappeared behind the curtain* This seems like the perfect opportunity.

*Instantly everyone is frozen in place and everyone vanishes. Dr. Kai is back, sitting at his desk, looking studious.*

Kai: *reading from the large book placed on a stand next to the desk.* There are those who say that life is an illusion and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination…*He looks up.* We can surely hope so. *Returning to the book* If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host and his “creation” into the seclusion of his somber bridal… *a quick, alarmed glance up at the audience* suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. *sotto voce* They aren't the only ones… *back to a normal voice* A feeling that grew as the other guests departed and they were shown to their _separate_ rooms.

*The view returns show to Durst and Kali by a monitor. They switch from channel to channel. The first one shows Major Hirsch is his room, filtered in blue light, examining the TV monitor. The next shows Divash in her room, curled seductively on the bed and watching the door expectantly. The scene is filtered in red light.*

Kali: *purses lips* Red's the wrong color for her.

Durst: I dunno, *smiles, tongue lolling out* seems appropriate…

*The scene shifts to Divash, a soft glow of moonlight falling on the netting surrounding her bed. There's a knock on the door.*

Divash: *sounding more like Mae West than Janet* Who's there?

Burnstein: *imitating Hirsch's voice as he slips through the door* It's only me, Janet.

Divash: Burnie! *smiles, pats the mattress*

Burnstein: *stage whisper* You're supposed to think I'm 'Brad'

Divash: *rolls onto her back, smiles playfully as she recites Janet's line* "Oh, Brad, darling, come in."

Burnstein: *quickly crosses to the bed, eyes suddenly widen as he gets past the net curtain* Are you naked?

Divash: I always sleep in the nude. *beat* I can turn the light on if you want a better look.

Burnstein: ~~If only the entire outpost, not to mention a host of Cardassians and Sindareen, weren't watching…~~ *swallows* No, don't do that.

Divash: *reaches up and pulls him onto the bed* Oh don't be so shy.

Burnstein: *whispers* This is just supposed to be play acting.

Divash: *throaty chuckle* If I'd known how much you liked role playing… *runs hand up his fishnet stockings* I have some other dress-up you can try next time-

*Burnstein kisses her before she can make that image any more explicit and Divash responds enthusiastically. He just manages to pull the sheets over them before before all thought of an audience is forgotten. When the motion under the sheets finally stops, they emerge looking ruffled but happy.*

Divash: *pats Burnie's chest, purrs Janet's line* "Oh, you beast, you monster" *sly grin* So, what did you do with Gunnar?

Burnstein: Well, nothing. *lips twitch, unable to resist the line* Why, do you think I should?

Divash: *a look that clearly says 'Duh!'* _Yes_. Do you know how long I've been trying to get him to go for having another guy in the bed?

Burnstein: Uh… *tries to mentally erase that bit of TMI and get back to the script* Ssssh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like this?

Divash: Why? Do you think he'd want to join in?

Burnstein: *can almost feel Warren glaring darts from the audience. He is not looking forward to the _next_ scene* Well, the Major's married so…

Divash: *rolls on top of him, grins* Then I guess we shouldn't tell him.

Burnstein: Cross my heart and hope to die.

*The scenes dissolves to Arnason in the room off the laboratory. He's stretched out with his eyes closed, and seems to be slumbering peacefully despite the fact that he's cuffed to the bed.*

*Durst and Kali enter and stare at the sleeping man.*

Durst: How can anyone fall asleep chained up like that?

Kali: ~~ Practice.~~ *shakes head* Don't ask.

*They release him and he stirs, then rolls over and goes back to sleep.*

Kali: *pokes Gunnar* Hey, 'sleeping beauty', wake up.

Arnason: Huh? *rubs eyes, groggy* …I had the weirdest dream…

Kali: You're still having it. *steps back, leaving Durst, holding a huge candelabra to loom over him*

Durst: Sorry, sir. *waves candelabra at him* I'm supposed to menace you with this.

Arnason: *more awake* Oh. Right. *gets up* It's okay, Petty Officer. Burnie filled me in. *heads toward the lab and takes off running*

*Durst and Kali turn to each other. Durst bends down nearly double and the two touch hands and roll their arms upward until their elbows touch.*

Durst: Why do we keep doing that?

Kali: *shrugs* Beats me.

*Scene switches to Hirsch's room. There's a soft knock at the door and he edges over, opening it cautiously. Burnie, wearing a robe and a wig styled like Divash's hair, ducks in*

Burnstein: *pretending to be Janet* Oh Brad, it's no good here. It will destroy us.

Hirsch: *grabs him around the throat* What have you done with Divash?

Burnstein: Ah! Nothing! *recovers, gets back in character* Why, do you think I should?

Hirsch: *shoves him away* I don't know what's going on here, but I have no intention of joining you in a duet.

Burnstein: *plops down on the bed an strikes a pose, falsetto voice* No. Not till after the wedding, darling.

Hirsch: *takes a step back, tightens the sash on his robe* No offense, Lieutenant, but not in a million years.

Burnstein: ~~Whew~~ None taken, sir. Honestly, after all the 'nothing' with Divash, I'd just as soon rest. *lays back* Why don't we try it this way. *fumbles for something* Here, have a cigar.

Hirsch: *suspicious* Why?

Burnstein: *chuckles* Major, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. *takes off wig, covers his face with it* Go on. Enjoy.

Hirsch: *examines the cigar - Cuban label, one of his favorite brands - rolls it in his fingers, tempted* The Doctor takes a dim view of smoking…

Burnstein: I won't tell her. I promise.

Durst: *His face appears on the viewscreen in the Major's suite.* Master *his ears twitch at that statement* Lieutenant Arnason has escaped and is loose on the grounds and Commander Kali has just released the hounds…*the distant sound of running Morwen yelling 'Tally Ho!'* ..er..

Burnstein: *wiggling his cigar at the Major who just shakes his head, sadly* Commmmiiiinnngg!

Durst: *hearing Morwen's baying call as she catches the scent, he looks at Kali* Hey…Um…I'll be right back, ma'am…*and he takes off at run to join in the chase*

*There is another blue flash and the scene changes from the Major's room to Dr. Divash's*

Divash: *She's alone in her quarters* I wonder what in Chastity's name is happening now. Where's Gunnar? Where's _anybody_ for that matter. *she gets up and begins looking about. The distant sound of barking is heard. She makes her way to the elevator to Burnie's lab and heads up, wondering what the next 'scene' in Q's little burlesque show would be. Striding into the laboratory she speaks aloud.*

Divash: I'd almost rather this were real than go back to what was happening. If only Q were on our side. Or at least sane. Major, where _are_ you? *Spotting the view screen, she walks over and smiles at the very phallic lever controlling it. Giving it a very erotic pull, the image swims into being*

*There is Major Hirsch, sitting in his robe and smoking a cigar while Burnie is reclined on the other end of the mattress*

Divash: *pleasantly surprised* Major! I didn't know you had it in you! *She laughs, a deep, indulgent chuckle and then spins around, hearing a muffled 'ow' sound from the large tank behind her.*

*She approaches the tank and pulls back the sheet, revealing Arnason, sweaty, smudged with dirt and scratched up. He smiles weakly.*

Divash: You're hurt. *examines a bloody mark on his arm* Who did this to you?

Arnason: *stands up* I'm okay. Morwen tackled me. *looks at scratches on his shoulder* She needs to trim her nails…

Divash: Morwen, eh? *sly grin as she takes some supplies from the lab table* Here, let me take care of you.

*She begins applying cloth bandages to Gunnar's scratches and then they vanish and Kai appears again.*

Kai: Um…Okay. *reading from the large book on the stand again* Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of mind. Vehement or excited mental state. And from what it looks like T'ango and Kali are seeing on their monitor, there's going to be plenty of that coming up. Hoo boy. *he holds his hand over his face*

*Kai fades into nothing and we see LT T'Ango and Commander Kali lounging in pajamas and watching a viewscreen. Kali is blow-drying her hair while Tango is painting her toenails for her. Tango appears to be wearing a large pair of Mickey Mouse ears over her natural ears.*

T'Ango: *reaching up and pulling them off* _Mouse_ ears? Really? *rolls her eyes, replacing the hat and returning to her toenail painting.*

Kali: Tell me about it, Lieutenant.

*Both of them break into giggles as music begins to play. The audience is now seeing both scenes, separated by an ominous black wall framing each view. Divash, perched on the ladder for the tank, is bandaging Gunnar's various scratches and scrapes. He is obviously enjoying the attention.*

Divash: *smoothes hand over his shoulder, checking out her work…and his body. ~~Mmm, Burnie was a good first course… If this isn't the scene where Janet sleeps with him, I'm editing the play~~ *grins lyrics start running her head* I was feeling done in / Couldn't win / I'd only ever kissed before.

Tango: *watching in the next room, ears flick forward* _She's_ only ever kissed?

Kali: *sarcastic* Uh-huh.

*In the lab, Arnason laughs and Divash kisses him. The kiss is so far from inexperienced that it lasts through the next couple bars. His hands move over her and she wraps a leg around him.*

Kali: *In their black box* I am SO not watching this *puts her hand over her eyes, and lacking her standard earplugs, aims the blow dryer at her ear to drown out any noises*

*As if trying to get Divash and Gunnar's attention, the volume of music suddenly increases.*

Arnason: *breaks the kiss, suddenly reminded that there's an audience* Um, you know everyone's watching…

Divash: *not the slightest bit concerned* So? They all know we sleep together.

Arnason: Yes, but…

Divash: *sings* All I want to know / Is how to go / I've tasted blood and want more!

*Somewhere in the background voices chant 'more! More!' T'ango is trying to pull Kali's hand down*

Divash: *sultry smile* I'll put up no resistance

Arnason: *disentangles himself* That's not what I'm worried about…

Divash: *slips into the tank, pursuing him* I know you can *beat* go the distance. / I've got an itch to scratch *grinds against him* I need assistance…

Arnason: *backs away* There's an _audience_, Divash. It's -

Divash: Kinky? *sly grin, arches eyebrows* Dirty? *grabs his hands and places them on her* Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me. / I wanna be dirty! / Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me. / Creature of the night.

Arnason: *torn - he wants her but he does _not_ want to star in a porno the whole Outpost's watching* Please…

Divash: Since you asked nicely… *pushes him back against the end of the tank* If anything grows *glances down, looks up and chuckles at his blush* while you pose / I'll oil you up *runs hands up his chest, then slides hands down his body as she shimmies down to her knees* And rub you down.

*Somewhere in the background voices chant 'down, down, down'*

T'Ango: *to Kali* Put your hand down! Don't be so shy!

Divash: *grins up at him, shameless - it's been some time since she had to put any effort into seducing him and she's quite enjoying herself* And that's just one small fraction *toys with the top of the speedos* Of the main attraction / You need a friendly hand *puts her hand in his as though asking for a hand up and when he bends to offer it, pulls him on top of her* Oh, and I need action!

Arnason: *moans* Oh, that's -

Divash: *broad grin* Playing dirty? *wraps arms and legs around him* Touch-a touch-a touch-a, touch me. / I wanna be dirty.

*Realizing he's lost - or that he's rapidly losing any interest in not letting her win - Gunnar wraps his arms around her and rolls over, twisting the sheet around both of them, before giving in completely to her last lines of 'Thrill me, chil me, fulfill me. Creature of the night.'*

Kali: *wrestling with T'Ango now* That's twisted! I don't wanna watch them!

T'Ango: Oh, c'mon when are you ever gonna get a chance to see THIS again? Hominids are _so_ creative! *Their wrestling match has degenerated into something of a tickle fight*

Kali: *continues to struggle* ~~Every time Gunnar comes over to our room?!~~ Ew!

*T'Ango and Kali's black box vanishes and we see Burnie, Durst, and Major Hirsch – now in a fetching blue robe and white athletic socks – riding up in the elevator. Burnie begins to crack a short whip at Durst who backs away*

Durst: Uh…Lieutenant!?

Burnstein: *angry* How, did it happen? I understood you were to be _watching_!

Durst: I thought he was _supposed_ to be loose!

Burnstein: See if you can find him *cracking the whip overhead again* on the _monitor!_

*Hirsch is just shaking his head as Durst operates the phallo-lever and the viewscreen comes to life. We see Captain Carlin, in a wheelchair with an umbrella over his head as the rain pours down upon him*

Durst: Hey! Lieutenant! It's the Captain!

*Both Burnie and the Major hurry over to the monitor*

Hirsch: It's about time!

Durst: Why is he in a wheelchair?

Hirsch: Because Q's insane. Why else? At least he's finally here.

Burnstein: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting, was it Brad? You came here. *beat* With a purpose.

Hirsch: Yeah, to get the hell _out_ of here.

Burnstein: This *stressing the name as he advances on the major* Dr Everett Scott. His name is not unknown to me.

Hirsch: Since he's your CO, I'd think not.

Burnstein: Now he works for the government, doesn't he _Brad_? He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call U! *beat* F! *beat* Os!

Hirsch: Lieutenant, you have slipped a gasket.

Durst: Sirs? The Captain's in the castle now…

Burnstein: He'll probably be in….in the Zen room!

*The scene shifts again to a room crowded with the accouterments of Eastern mysticism while sitars play softly in the background. Captain Carlin is looking around curiously as incense burns, and then the scene shifts instantly back to Burnie's lab.*

Burnstein: *Moving over to the control panel* Shall we inquire of him? In Person? *He moves the slide on a control labeled TRIPLE CONTACT ELECTROMAGNET. Again, the scene shifts and we see Captain Carlin's wheelchair suddenly begin moving on it's own. The sound of sitars follows him as he races through the castle, up a flight of stairs and into Kali's and T'ango's room. The two are lounged on a single Divan, T'Ango reading a magazine titled 'MOVIE LIFE' while Kali is staring at a lit cigarette with a look that says 'WTF am I holding this?'*

*Both officers watch their Captain's wheelchair come into the room, circle them, and then head right back out the way it came in. They shrug and return to their relaxation. Carlin is looking over his shoulder as his chair shoots out the door and up the stairs*

Carlin: Little help?! *but it's too late, he's long gone. Moments later, the wheelchair crashes through the wall of Burnie's lab,*

Hirsch: Holy shit!

*Carlin's wheelchair makes a sudden right turn and then to the screaming sound of a crashing airplane, rolls rapidly down the ramp, past Major Hirsch, finally slamming into the electromagnet at Burnie's feet. Burnstein puts one high-heeled foot on the arm of Carlin's wheelchair.*

Carlin: Burnstein! At last! Now we can get to the bottom of this insanity!

Hirsch: *Hurrying over to the Captain* Captain! *he offers a hand to help him out of his wheelchair*

Carlin: *pleasantly surprised* Major!

Burnstein: *tapping his whip in between the two men.* Don't play games Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what *he nods his head at the Major* Brad Majors is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his *beat* female should check the layout for you? *smiling wickedly* Well, unfortunately for you all. The plans *beat* are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Dr. Scott. *he smiles at Major Hirsch* I know Brad is. *throaty chuckle*

Carlin: Lieutenant, right now, nothing would surprise me. Once Q gets involved things go pear-shaped rather quickly. I came here to find my officers and get the hell out. Where's Ferrari?

Hirsch: Ferrari? I've seen him.

Burnstein: *Quickly interrupting and trying to stress the names to get folks back on script* Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Doctor Scott?

Carlin: *Eying Burnie's outfit* Burnie, I know a great deal about a lot of things. Just nothing about whatever this sick fantasy world is.

Burstein: *deactivating the electromagnet. There is a gasp from the tank that draws Burnie's attention. He strides over and reaches in. Gunnar and Divash, wearing nothing but the red, silk sheet from the tank both stand up.*

Carlin: Doctor!

Divash: Captain!

Hirsch: Doctor!

Divash: Major!

Burnstein: Rocky! *Arnason turns and looks at him, confused*

Carlin: *still trying to get the Doctor's attention* Doctor?

Divash: Captain?

Hirsch: *Noting her disheveled state and that of Arnason* Doctor?!

Divash: Major?

Burnstein: Rocky! *Arnason is totally lost now, his head tracking each speaker*

Carlin: *Irritated.* Doctor!

Hirsch: *hooking his thumb at the Captain* Doctor…

Divash: *fed up* What? Why do you humans make such a big deal about people having sex?

Burnstein: *sadly* Rocky! *slaps the whip on the edge of the tank* I made you. And I can break you just as easily.

Arnason: Can you make me some pants?

*Kali suddenly interrupts the entire scene by striking a gong. She has evidently ducked in through the hole that Captain Carlin's wheelchair made* Chow's in the Officer's Mess!

Burnstein: *put upon* Excellent. *scowling at Divash* Under the circumstances. Formal dress *beat* is to be optional.

*The scene fades away to Dr. Darid Kai, sitting at his desk and enjoying a glass of bourbon*

Kai: Oh..uh..sorry. *clears his throat* Food has always played a vital part in life's rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man. And now *beat* _this_ meal. The scene fades out and then in on a formal dinner table surrounded by Burnstein, T'Ango, Arnason, Carlin, Hirsch, and Divash.* However, informal it might appear, you may be sure that there would be very little bon homie.

*The scene shifts to a dining room with Burnstein at the head of a strangely coffin shaped table. An electric carving knife sits in front of him. Hirsch and Divash sit to one side and Tango and Arnason on the other. Carlin is seated, still in a wheelchair, at the other end.*

*Double doors open and Kali and Durst enter carrying meat and wine, which they bring to the head of the table. They pour the wine and everyone rises.*

Burnstein: *lifts glass* A toast to absent friends.

All: Absent friends.

*Burnstein proceeds to carve the meat and Kali and Durst distribute the slices and then return to their places near the front.*

Carlin: Everyone else is here. Where's Commander Ferrari?

T'Ango: *eyes widen* Eddie!

Burnstein: *silencing her with a gesture* It's a rather *beat* tender subject. *overly solicitous smile*…Another slice anyone?

*Divash and Gunnar exchange a look across the table. The blood had just been ketchup, but… Everybody looks at their food carefully.*

Carlin: *carefully puts his fork down* I knew this was going to be bad, but I never imagined…

Burnstein: Go on Dr. Scott - or should I say *dramatic pause* Dr. _von_ Scott?

Carlin: *stares at Burnie, WTF expression* What's going on here, Lieutenant? The rest seem *glances a round* …almost normal… But it's like you've transformed into some bizarre *waves hands, indicating his costume* …alien!

*There's long beat of silence as Divash, Durst and Kali exchange 'Should we be offended?' looks.*

Arnason: *clears throat slightly* Sir, there's no call for prejudice.

Hirsch: *glares* What exactly are you implying?

Carlin: *holds hand up* It's alright, Major. *apologetically* It was a poor choice of words. I'm simply very concerned about Commander Ferrari.

*Music beings and a scrapbook suddenly appears in Carlin's hands.*

Burnstein: *whispers* You have to sing, sir. It's the only way Q will let us move on.

Carlin: *scans the lyrics in the scrapbook* "Eddie didn't like his teddy"? Forget it. *slaps book shut* Q, I am not singing this. *stands up* This charade stops _now_.

Q: *pops in, dressed in a tuxedo and sparkly hat* Now, now, my dear Captain. Where's you sense of fun?

Carlin: You call this fun?

Q: *grins* It is for me.

Carlin: *glares* It is not for the rest of us.

Q: *rolls eyes* Pish-tosh! Some of you have been having fun *looks at T'Ango, Kali and Durst* …however disturbing… *opens hand, gesturing toward Burnie* Why even your socially inept engineer understands how to roll with a role.

Burnstein: Socially inept? *looks away, drops into character* Well, I never. *grin* Although with a little persuasion, I might.

Divash: *chuckles despite herself* I will say this has given me a whole new perspective on Burnie, but I really think we've had enough.

Q: *smirks* You wouldn't say that if you knew about the orgy in the swimming pool.

Divash: *eyebrows shoot up, smiles* Orgy?

Burnstein: *seeing the shocked expressions on the others* It's, uh, more a metaphor…not a real orgy…

Arnason: *speaking up before Divash can propose a rewrite* That's the problem, Q. Burnie can enjoy playing his role because he knows what it's supposed to be.

Q: *lifts eyebrows* I'd think you'd find your role easy to play. *smirks* You've certainly had enough experience being a play thing.

Divash: Jealous, Q? You had your chance. *smug smile* It's not Gunnar's fault you're not as *beat* well equipped for the role.

*Gunnar goes bright red, but all eyes are drawn to T'Ango, who falls backward in her chair, laughing out loud.*

Q: *dramatic, put-upon sigh* I should have known better than to cast an Orion as 'Janet'.

Carlin: *exasperated* You shouldn't have 'cast' any of us Q.

Q: *purses lips* Well, perhaps not you. *taps chin, thoughtful* Wallace might have made an interesting Dr. Scott…

Carlin: *firm* None of us, Q. *slams lyric book down on the table* This production is over.

Q: *pouting* Jean-Luc was never this much of a prima donna, mon capitaine.

Carlin: *standing up from his wheelchair, angry, he moves to flip the table over, instead, merely flipping the table top off as Gunnar dodges back towards T'Ango. Carlin's anger turns to shock as he looks down to see Lt. Cdr. Ferrari under glass, partially covered in ketchup.*

Ferrari: *Waving*

Carlin: *deadly serious and calm.* Q. What was the _point_ to this foolishness? We are in the middle of a war, we don't have _time_ to play act.

Q: That _was_ the point, good captain. You have all the time in the universe at your fingertips. *he begins fading away, his final words hanging ghostly in the air* It's all in what you decide to do with time, mon capitain…and besides. I was bored.

*The dinner scene vanishes with a _pop_, leaving everyone standing on a stage, looking out at the assembled 'audience' – Starfleet, Cardassian, and Sindareen alike.*

Carlin: *inhaling to yell Q!!!*

Q: *ghostly* Oh, don't blow a vein, monkey-boy. *things begin to fade to a uniform white and we hear Q's final, pouty* Spoilsport.

*There is another loud pop*

«Starbase Aeon, Hospital»

T'Ango: *She is lying in her hospital bed and slowly opens her eyes. She blinks a few times and groans at the aches and pains she was feeling* Home…I need to get home.

Arnason: *waits for her to become more aware of where she's at. He's worked on combat soldiers often enough before – they tend to react badly when regaining consciousness if there is _anyone_ near them. But from the reports he'd gotten from the rest of the SEAL team, they had been through a lot, and he knew she could use a friendly face.*

T'Ango: *slightly confused, turns her head and sees him* ARNASON!! Oh thank the gods you're all right! What about Divash and Warren? *She reaches her hand out, looking at the other visitors. Lt Burnstein is there as is Lt Cdr Ferrari and PO1C Durst Haldane.*

Aranason: *taking her hand and giving it a squeeze* They're OK too.

T'Ango: *dropping her head back on the pillow in relief, and closing her eyes to offer a silent prayer* I had the _strangest_ dream. You were there, Arnason, and Burnie…and Durst…and you, sir…

Burnstein: *blushing* I'm sure it was just a dream, Tango.

T'Ango: It seemed so real…*looking at Arnason* Even the shorts…

.